Praying and Trying

“We are in a club we never talk about, this club with no meetings called ‘trying the best that we can.’ We all have badges and stripes of honour in this club. We all have lifetime membership.” — Come Matter Here, Hannah Brencher.

I would like open this topic with a beautiful unforgettable sentence from my favourite book. I spent quarter my 2019 reading Come Matter Here by Hannah Brencher (3 months period of reading this short book, ridiculous i know, i admit i am a slow reader!) Well, i gotta say that book is next level; inspired me so so so much in the walk that I do currently. Nowadays, i still re-read it too sometimes. Best book i read in 2019 even, i dare say. Thanks very much Hannah for sharing your stories, vulnerabilities, and your hearts especially. I am sure many that have read this book would say the same thing. Btw — I notice that praying is not for everyone. But just for the sake of me, please read my story til it ends. I promise it’ll make sense by then.

You know, i know when i’m writing this story; many people will question about my religion. I guess most question they asked will be; “Are you religious?” Look, i dont even know how to answer that question and i dont even know what religious even meant. But i do pray and read devotion & bible nearly everyday, i go to church every Sunday, and yes i believe Jesus is my Lord and Saviour. However, it doesn’t mean i am not a normal human like you guys. Still sinning, but less sinning i would say; as there are certain boundaries i would not cross due to my believe. Also, i’m out from judging game, because it’s not my portion. Like honestly, this is the most awkward question that people could throw to you. Like if you have religion some people look at you like you are some kind of alien or something. I think nothing wrong with people that choose to have religion and obey it. I even think it is a beautiful thing. And let’s be real about this; without Jesus and His foundation, there wont be justice, hope for future and no healer for brokenness. How depressing is that to live a life without boundaries, good news, hope, and real love? It would feels like hell. It will feel straight to doomsday perhaps. Moreover, to face my day to day life with positive attitude; i need strength from praying and good news from bible. I acknowledge that i need wisdom as well, beside my skill in my work field. I don’t have time for pity party or choose to receive a sympathy (which would be great if that’s happening). But often, i gotta get on with life reality, persevere, and run with it. Writing my heart out in this platform is challenging, but i will write anyway. So bear with me, kay.

Well back to the topic, if you notice the title; it’s praying and trying! I have a reason why praying word goes first before trying. Firstly; it’s important; we should pray about it before we give it a goal right? Secondly; it helps to open the right door for us. Lastly; believe it or not, it does change situations, things, & people. If not, it changes us. Then, trying. Why trying? Because it is important too! To get something we must try to do it. How about if we don’t get what we want? Hm try again then. Try try try again until you get what you desired? Never seen successful / important people that nailed it without trying and failed too many times. Therefore, do not discourage when you try and it doesn't work out; maybe someone up there has a better plan for you.

Praying and trying. I guess this is my rhythm for 2020. If you read my previous post, i have significant long-term personal vision for me this year. Deleting or at least limiting the toxic negative pattern; from consumption, behaviour and environment aspects. As i aim making it far instead of big. Furthermore, no process happens instantly, it’s all take massive efforts and patience. We ain’t instant noodles, remember? Good 5 minutes wont make us become a perfect human beings. Definitely it has been a real hard season for me. I even still struggle right now i admit it, imagine; i need to give up my unhealthy habit (which something that i enjoy so much!). But, if i dont try to start now and learn about self-control, then when i am gonna start making a good change?

I still remember last year, when I sat with my mate; Maxi. Told him about my plans and dreams for 2019, exactly before my grandpa passed away in January. I told him, the dreams and pictures i imagined seems impossible for me to reach. But there he was; listened, encouraged, and prayed for me. We had a good laughs on that night with the story of our broken past that we shared. However, i will never forget when Max said, ”Dont worry, before you get to the point that you want; you will receive a lot of rejections and a lot of no’s. But if you keep hanging trusting God and trying, somehow the doors will be opened for you. Also, it will takes time. You still young, so you don’t need to worry much.” Look, i rarely take people seriously, so we laughed so much on things we spoke about. I am not even really close to Max. But, he is the kinda guy who save you a seat in one of mega church in Sydney city. Also, he will company you or get other people to company you if you lonely or need friend. Basically, he is an angel without wings haha. Then at 2019, so many things wasn’t working out well for me. My plans and dreams kinda vanished that year, even in the beginning of the year my grandpa passed away, followed by my heart got broken too, job changes, yada, yada, yada… You don’t wanna know the full stories but i was going downhill on 2019 and i needed to recover from some bad treatments & traumas. It was a lot to take. I was also tired most of the time. Everything just out of the plans! Nevertheless, the best things that happened to me that year was unplanned too; included won runner-up position for young chef award (representing female), overseas holidays, and conferences i attend — it all happened in last minute, i am not joking. Feels more like a miracle from heaven, rather than earned it by my own efforts. Well, i did put efforts too, however i didn’t feel i tried that hard honestly.

I began my 2020 quite strong. This year i changed my lifestyle; the way i eat and work out, drink daily vitamins, stop massive coffee consumption, and go to the right remedial massage weekly — in order to fix all the overwork muscle issues and to fight all the anxiety thoughts. Although i was starting my year without job, but i was super keen to find the right suitable job for me (as for my profession, this is important). I had massive burn out on 2019 & some injuries that got worse from previous years, so if i didn’t make a conscious right choice in my life, i wont be able to keep going this 2020. I realised i neglected myself over the years and pretend to be strong to receive validations, but not this year. I said to my family and friends; my 2020 will be different. However, i wont give up on my career, i will do my very best to keep going. What i do is what i love, i just need to find the right platform to grow my talent & potential. The support from family and close friends are enormous, it feels so good and unreal at that time. Especially from believers family and friends that keep praying for me and checking on me; this is the kinda stage in my life where i can feel a real love — Jesus’ love, never i imagine; to stay strong in faith like this and experience the power of love like this. I think this is the kinda love that we desire; love that stays no matter what, love that stays especially when things get hard, love that supports & sustains you, love that makes you a better person. I have good reflection over this season; how my healthy options and circles impact myself so hard in the long-run. Feels like; no turning back.

Previously when i did job hunt at this season i nearly give up and i thought; i might just go home. Home is where the heart is, it is comfortable, and i can comeback to Australia soon as i am applying permanent residency. Yet, some part of me don’t agree with this condition. As if i wanna be honest; i’m not ready to go home. However, there are not much really good fine dining restaurants with really good working condition anymore in Sydney. But, i still have many responsibilities to carry this year in Australia; i have my brother that needs me to share the rent bills, i have a sponsor kid, i am plugged in a local planting church that i need to support (esp i love my church fam), i still need to represent female young chef from Australia to Italy this year, and my working visa will be expired in the middle of next year too technically. Therefore, i felt like my mission has not been accomplished yet.

I won’t lie though when i did my job hunting; it felt hopeless. But, i kept on praying and trying hard, as i felt i can’t give up yet — not til my time is up! And to be honest; this year i would like to level up not because i wanna feel good, but i feel like i need a reason to keep going. Im not gonna lie; being a cook only, repeating the same thing everyday, especially in same section that i mastered for 8 years bored me to death. To keep me passionate in what i do as a chef, i also need to learn something more about other sections, management areas, understand the whole restaurant system, and involve in menus development.

Surprisingly within 2 days He made a way for me to find new job. If i look back, this was insane and almost impossible. Hard to believe. But, the God that i know is the God of impossible — by faith, He will move the mountain for me. Well, this is not the first time i experienced Jesus and His extravagant miracles. The classic Jesus that i know is full of surprises and very on-time. Often His no’s will be, “hey, i got something better for you, but you gotta wait little bit longer / exercise your faith.”

Seriously, out of the expectation, but the job that He provided better than i imagined. In no matter age that we are in, i hope we do not shrink in when people said, “you are too young/old to do this” or “what you aim is sound impossible.” I hope we have more courage and keep going in whatever right things we believe in. Also, i hope we never take good things for granted when the opportunity arrived.

Again, this makes me realise how human i am, that i am not in control of all things; my expertise skill, good resumes, and good education are not the key to everything. At some certain points, those prominencies could not save me from uncontrolled situations. I am again reminded, to not boast on my strength; why it is actually very important to pray and try in my daily life.

I hope that it is very visible that i am a living testimony. The talents i have, the promotions i have, the blessings i have are not coming from north or west, but it is from Heavenly Father. It’s Him that set up open doors that lead me to amazing opportunities. May it become more visible in my life that i am less and He is more.

Kish.