Responding to The Little Gifts Inside of Us

Some people asked, why am I writing? At first, when I received this question, I actually don’t know how to answer it. I remember one of my friend asked me this question a few months ago and I felt overwhelmed trying to answer that question. I knew many things in life do not need an explanation. However, somewhat I knew as well deep inside of me, there is a purpose for me in writing.

Surely I am not a writer, but writing is one of my hobbies. I am far from a good writer, I know. But, this is my space to get away, to reflect, and to share. Journaling is my other hobby too nowadays, but definitely, it is a different kind of thing.

Since I write, I discover myself better. Little did I know, I am not only a girl that trying to pursue her dreams and a qualified chef that working in good establishments. It’s a checklist that I ticked. Yes, some of us think it is crucial to have those certificates/resumes to prove our achievements & validations. However, I am also a Jesus’ follower, a story-teller, a daughter & a sister, a cheeky friend, a creative, and a people-person. It took me a while to realise and really see what I have until I learned my own lessons.

So if you asked me now why am I writing? I have the answers. Even a lot. But, the main thing is writing helps me to preach the words to my mind & heart to myself in many seasons of life. Also, it helps me to share experience the beauty of living with others. I don’t want my stories to become a burden for people, but I want my stories to become a healing balm for people who needs it. My story is not for showing off or to expose my private life, however, it is a story of grace indeed.

For a fact: I am an Indonesian (from Javanese tribe culture) with Dutch descent from my grandmother. I am the youngest kid in the family and not the smartest obviously, just the most creative member of all in so many ways — not sure if I can classify that as multi-talented *please laugh with me? Haha*. Born & raised from a comfortable background, but for the record: I am not rich. Dad & Mom just incredibly hard-worker, honest, & kind humans I look up to. They just trying to give us the best experience of life they can give, even though sometimes they can be limited too. Until today, I am forever grateful for that. Basically, my family is a beautiful mess; sometimes beautiful, most of the time is a mess. Well, that’s totally okay, right? As long as we love each other & never give up on each other.

What I am saying is I am not perfect. I’m trying to be better every day, but in reality, I am just a human that trying my best. In my every day, I am in the process of my learning too.

Some of my friends would describe me that I am a lucky girl. I can’t deny that. But, sure, I had my journeys of roller coaster too. Even today, I am still facing uncertainties. Also, this Kezia also has been going through many difficulties, depressions, heart-breaks, anxieties, panic-attacks, eating-disorders, abusive treatments, racial-marks, discriminations as a young individual/female, injuries, injustice, and the list could go and on and on.

One thing I know; I have an anchor for my soul that will certain in many seasons of my life, His name is Jesus (my God, my Heavenly Father, my ABBA, my Jehovah Jireh, my Refuge, my Fountain of a Living Water, etc). Everything in this world can change, but not Him. And this life is never been about me, it’s about Him. I am just a tiny human that living with so many other humans in the world too and many other beautiful creatures inside this world. Therefore, to be honest; I am nothing, yet, I am ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14 NIV). So, whatever I have inside of me is a gift. The good ones and the flaws. Every big and little part of it. In good days, bad days, and in the mundane. Everyday with whatever I have on that day, I am trying to work with those.

For somewhat reason, I choose to throw any of the limitations in the bin, because you can’t classify a person simply by their backgrounds, abilities, and worth. Trust me, we are more complex than that. We are also able to change in different seasons of life. Everything in this world is uncertain pretty much, I guess many of us realise that; this is not a new story.

I won’t lie these past few years I have been struggling so much. In so many areas generally, yet so many people think I have been doing well. ThankGod His grace covers me so well, but FYI I am just trying my very very best to not let myself, my dignity & my loved ones down. If you read some of my previous posts; I’m nothing but a wrecked girl that trying to stand up again. Day by day I am trying to understand, ”why my goodwill misunderstood?” Like I have zero intentions unless to upgrade myself, yet life knocked me down in so many areas.

‘But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’ (Isaiah 40:31 NIV) This verse has been my strength to overcome so many fears, doubts, incapabilities, and insecurities for these past few years. I mean, isn’t this a good news in such a broken world?! There is hope for today, tomorrow, and the future. The words from the bible are not only hoax btw, but it’s also a living & breathing words, so Imma say Amen to that *yay, cheering myself up*.

A funny story during this COVID-19 pandemic; while everyone in quarantine finds it really difficult, for me I was coping well, trying to be creative with my unemployment (actually I had a rough time too but I choose to not dwell on that and just trusting Him). I remember, exactly in 2017, I lost my passion for cooking, merely because I had severe back pain in my body. Struggled to work, move, and even to walk. I drank pain-killers to work & survived. Never I have been so traumatic in my life as much as that year, yet surprisingly enough now I’m back very healthy & fit at this moment. That year, I thought I would never be happy, healthy, and fit again. I thought I would lose it all, including my career & dreams. But, apparently, it’s not. It all came back! Even, currently, I am back stronger than ever since I changed my lifestyle. Especially during this pandemic, I started to dream again; to cook my own food at home, to make my imaginations become a reality. I tried so hard to escape my perfectionist character and be creative with all I have. Trying to see the beauty in simplicity and flip it around into an edible innovation. I am living testimony that your anxieties lied to you, and your best moments are not only in the past. There will be more great things ahead of us. I mean, I actually haven’t really seen it at this moment *as I am still 26yrs old ladies & gentleman, ha!* but, I am going to claim it and believe it anyway, as I know well the character of my God; He is a good good Father, there is purpose on the pain that I went through. And by that, I will persevere. I am not come this far only to come this far. I will fight as long as He puts oxygen on my lugs. I still have dreams & purpose. I will keep going.

I have a breath of prayer that I always say in my daily life these past few years; “I wanna have time to be in love with everything.” It’s not a mantra, because who needs a mantra when you have Jesus? The creator of all? Surely, He won’t be granted all my wishes just like that, like a Ginnie. *life would be messier anyway if our wishes get granted so often* He is more than that, Heavenly Father who knows us personally and He knows the details of the world. Sure, He granted some of my wishes that are too good to be true. But, I know some of the wishes can’t come true because maybe it won’t be good for me? *it made sense to me, hope it makes sense to you*. And some of my wishes haven’t been come true because it is not the time yet. Regardless, truly this breath of prayer shows up often in my daily life as a reality. In there, I know my Heavenly Father watching over and love me; as I am. Only the moments when I fully trust Him and receive Him. It’s fair to say, I’m just glad He lets me experienced many things, to be able to live in the moments, to give me the freedom to choose things that are good for me and His people. So glad for all the life lessons too that He gave me. Yep, the good and the bad too, because it has been shaping me into a better Kezia I am today. I just hope I would be able to carry His blessings wherever I go nowadays.

So, I encourage you, if you have desires on your heart, let it be a simple prayer — a breath of prayer that you could easily say it every day. He truly knows us.

Since I know better today, I am willing to choose better choices. Easier said than done, but if it takes a million prayers to get there; so be it, I am willing to use all of His gifts.

Kish.